Plastic, Prostitutes, and Pirates.

I think this article is best filed in the "Only In America" folder.



For those of you wondering where to spend your "golden years," I humbly suggest Denmark.



I am almost tempted to print this up and mail it to my ex. (The only problem is I am not sure which ex it was . . . I might just send it to all of them as I doubt receiving a random article on piracy would really phase any of them. They did live with me for an extended period of time, after all.) Anywho - I know that I once had an argument about "pirates" with someone I was once dating . . . . it went something like this:

Me: I really want to take the boat across the Caloosahatchee Waterway.

Her: Across the what?

Me: Click the hyperlink above. Jeez.

Her: So we would start in the Gulf and then up in the Atlantic?

Me: Exactly . . . it would be fun to go through the locks.

Her: (Looking at a map) Wow - could we continue on to the Bahamas?

Me: Uh, in my boat?

Her: Yes, it is only like 60 miles off the coast.

Me: Uh, in my 24' long boat?

Her: It goes 55 m.p.h. doesn't it? We could be there in just an hour.

Me: Yes it does, and yes we could. But we are not going to take a 24' long boat, by ourselves, 30 miles off-shore, into a foreign country.

Her: Live a little, Jeez.

Me: (my face turns a bit pink.) I am all up for a "high seas adventure", but the boat would need to have more than one form of propulsion, a fresh water tank, and a couple of other friends proficient with large firearms.

Her: Firearms?

Me: Yes.

She raises an eyebrow.

Me: Pirates.

She blusters an over-dramatic laugh: Yeah, right, pirates . . . . . *snort* Arrrrrrrr Matey.

Me: (so not amused by her taunting . . . . . and ignorance.) Yes, there are, in-fact, pirates. Granted they do not have eye patches, peg legs, and a penchant for parrots, but they do have fast boats, big guns, and little to lose.

Her: And how do you know this?

At which time it occurred to me that I really could not quote my source on this . . . which really irratates me when I get called on a source and can not instantly state it, but it should suffice that I have sailed to the Bahamas before, stayed on a friends yacht in the Bahamas before, used to be a ship's captain, and am fairly well versed in all things nautical ESPECIALLY in and around the state that I have lived in for at least a quarter of a century. There was only one reference that popped in mind.

Me: You saw the movie, "Captain Ron."

She loses all forms of composure, just as she bursts out with the chorus of "Yo Ho, Yo Ho!"

Me: *deadpan silence with a slight ocular twitch*